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Beca Lewis Allen Yearn to understand first and to be understood second. Cathy Allen Life brings simple pleasures to us every day. It is up to us to make them wonderful memories. Dave Allen We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock. Elizabeth Akers Allen 1832-1911, US poet Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight, / Make me a child again just for to-night! Ethan Allen 1738-89, US Patriot and Leader In the name of the Lord Jehovah and the Continental Congress. [Reply to Captain Delaplace, commander at Fort Ticonderoga, who exclaimed, "By whose authority do you act?"] In those parts of the world where learning and science have prevailed, miracles have ceased; but in those parts of it as are barbarous and ignorant, miracles are still in vogue. Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait. (last words) Fred Allen 1894 - 1956, US radio comedian A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work a t 9 A. M. and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 P. M. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch. An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match. An advertising agency is 85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission. [Penguin Dictionary] Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission. California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange. Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk, today we have small men enjoying big talk. Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all. Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. I have just returned from Boston, it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. [Letter to Groucho Marx] "If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now. If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign the human race. If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it. Imitation is the sincerest form of television. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. Television is regarded as a medium because so little of it is rare or well done. [Television is] the triumph of machine over people. That's a joke, son! [Catchphrase of character Senator Claghorn] The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases ha has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret. We are living in machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? Won't say I hate you - but my admiration for you is under control. You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. George Allen 1922-90, American Coach Every day you waste is one you can never make up. Every time you win, you're reborn; when you lose, you die a little. Have a variety of interests . . . . These interests relax the mind and lessen the tension on the nervous system. People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest. How badly do you want it? Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night. One of the most difficult things everyone has to learn is that for your entire life you must keep fighting and adjusting if you hope to survive. No matter who you are or what your position is you must keep fighting for whatever it is you desire to achieve. People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don't know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to. Persevere and get it done. The street to obscurity is paved with athletes who can perform great feats before friendly crowds. The tougher the job, the greater the reward. Gracie Allen 1902-64, American Comedian My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. Henry Allen It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. Hervey Allen 1889-1949, US author The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits. James Allen 1864- 1912, Theologian and Author A man is continually revolting against an effect without, while all the time he is nourishing and preserving its cause in his heart. A man is literally what he thinks. A man is not rightly conditioned until he is a happy, healthy, and prosperous being; and happiness, health, and prosperity are the result of a harmonious adjustment of the inner with the outer of the man with his surroundings. A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life. A man's weakness and strength, purity and impurity, are his own, and not another man's; they are brought about by himself, and not by another; and they can only be altered by himself, never by another. His condition is also his own, and not another man's. His sufferings and his happiness are evolved from within. As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains. Above all be of single aim; have a legitimate and useful purpose, and devote yourself unreservedly to it. Act is the blossom of thought, and joy and suffering are its fruits; thus does a man garner in the sweet and bitter fruitage of his own husbandry. All that you accomplish or fail to accomplish with your life is the direct result of your thoughts. Cherish your visions; cherish your ideals; cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts, for out of them will grow delightful conditions, all heavenly environment; of these if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built. Circumstances do not make the man, they reveal him. Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil. Every thought-seed sown or allowed to fall into the mind, and to take root there, produces its own, blossoming sooner or later into act, and bearing its own fruitage of opportunity and circumstances. For true success ask yourself these four questions: Why? Why not? Why not me? Why not now? Harmony is one phase of the law whose spiritual expression is love. He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much; he who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly. I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. If your real desire is to be good, there is no need to wait for the money before you do it; you can do it now, this very moment, and just where you are. In all human affairs there are efforts, and there are results, and the strength of the effort is the measure of the result. Let there be nothing within thee that is not very beautiful and very gentle, and there will be nothing without thee that is not beautiful and softened by the spell of thy presence. Man is made or unmade by himself. By the right choice he ascends. As a being of power, intelligence, and love, and the lord of his own thoughts, he holds the key to every situation. Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. Mind is the Master-power that molds and makes, and Man is Mind, and ever more he takes the Tool of Thought, and shaping what he wills, brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills-He thinks in secret and it comes to pass; Environment is but his looking-glass. No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks. No temptation can gravitate to a man unless there is that is his heart which is capable of responding to it Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him. The aphorism, "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he," not only embraces the whole of a man's being, but is so comprehensive as to reach out to every condition and circumstance of his life. A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts. [As A Man Thinketh] The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn; the bird waits in the egg; and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities. The law of harvest is to reap more than you sow. Sow an act, and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny. The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. The will to do springs from the knowledge that we can do. They themselves are makers of themselves. To begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment. To desire is to obtain; to aspire is to achieve. To put away aimlessness and weakness, and to begin to think with purpose, is to enter the ranks of those strong ones who only recognize failure as one of the pathways to attainment; who make all conditions serve them, and who think strongly, attempt fearlessly, and accomplish masterfully. Whether you be man or woman you will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor. Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts inevitably bring about right results. You are today where your thoughts brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as you dominant aspiration. You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor. You will be what you will to be. Karen Allen I was born like a piece of tangled yarn. The job is trying to untangle it, and I'll probably go on doing it for the rest of my life. Roger Allen In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation. Steve Allen 1921-, Entertainer Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots. If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow. If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war. Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless. The hair is real - it's the head that's a fake. Tim Allen All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew. Woody Allen 1935-, American film director, writer, and actor A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no." A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. Child molestation is a touchy subject ... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it! Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Eighty percent of success is showing up. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. He never made the ten-most -wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know. He [the psychiatrist] said, well, do I think that sex is dirty and I said: "It is if you're doing it right." Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich. I am at two with nature. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light. [On Los Angeles] I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind. I had a rough marriage ......It was partially my fault that we got a divorce. I had a lousy attitude toward her. For the first year of our marriage, I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal all the time. We used to argue and fight and finally we decided we should either take a vacation or get a divorce. We discussed it very maturely and we decided on the divorce because we felt we had a limited amount of money to spend. A vacation in Bermuda is over in two weeks but a divorce is something that you always have. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I'm pale and I'm redheaded. I don't tan - I stroke. I make movies for personal therapy in the same way that a person in an institution is given baskets to weave because the therapy is good for you. I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mokeries of a sham. I recently turned 60 years old. Practically a third of my life is over. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'. I was depressed ... I was suicidal; as a matter of fact, I would have killed myself but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss. [Virgil Starkwell, played by Woody Allen, speaking:] I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse. [Take the Money and Run] I was thrown out of college [NYU my freshman year ... ] for cheating on the metaphysics exam [final]. You know, I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead. I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny. If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. If they could figure out a way to channel my anger, they could solve the energy crisis. If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers. In Beverly Hills ... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. It [bisexuality] immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count, it's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Love is the answer but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some good questions. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. Marriage is the death of hope. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. [My brain.....] it's my second favorite organ. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down. Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Play it again, Sam! Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. [Miles Monroe, played by Woody Allen, speaking about what he believes in:] Sex and death. Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous. Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. Showing up is 80 percent of life. Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words. Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers. Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. That [sex] was the most fun I've ever had without laughing. That's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone. The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic. [Of his love for his adoptive stepdaughter, Soon-Yi Farrow] The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst thing you can say about him is that he's basically an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. The man has an axe. There's two of us. There'll be four of us in no time. The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you," but "It's benign." The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants. There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. To me nature is ....spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plants, and animals eating ... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it. To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Tradition is the illusion of permanence. [Miles Monroe, played by Woody Allen, responding to the question "It's hard to believe that you haven't had sex for two hundred years":] Two hundred and four if you count my marriage. Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Why is life worth living? That's a very good question. Ummm ... Well there are certain things, I guess, that make it worthwhile. Uh, like what? Okay. Um, for me ... oh, I would say ... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing, and ... Willie Mays, and ... the second movement of the Jupiter Symphony, and ... Louis Armstrong's recording of 'Potatohead Blues' ... Swedish movies, naturally .... Sentimental Education by Flaubert ... and Marlon Brand, Frank Sinatra ... those incredible apples and pears by Cezanne. [Responding to "Sex without love is an empty experience":] Yes, but - as empty experiences go - it's one of the best! You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only ... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert. |